I miss her inside me...

I had months of bonding ahead of me.  I loved playing with her as she rolled, kicked and pushed.  I was so grateful to be having a pregnancy where I didn't have to fear delivery, until I did... Now I miss her.  All the time.  I waver between anger and sadness.  I get so tired.  I'm desperate for control and terrified of germs I can't see.  I know the other shoe is going to drop, I don't know how or when, but it is coming.  I don't know how bad it will hurt and that scares me.

I miss my husband and my son.  I'm camped out in the living room, listening to them laugh and love while I sit and pump.  Terrified of the virus they are currently carrying.

I've done Kangaroo Care twice. It is an amazing and terrifying feeling to have something so small entrusted to your care.  When she's laying on my chest and her O2 sats climb until she has to be on room air, I'm over the moon. When she's lying on my chest and she desats and goes bradycardic it is terrifying.  I'm alone, in a room, unable to move and my child is lying on my chest with alarms blaring that her heart is decelerating.  When she comes back, I can breathe again.

My heart healthy kid isn't what I expected. On Wednesday of last week, we had our fetal echo and got confirmation that at 24 weeks and 3 days pregnant, everything was looking good, except... my amniotic fluid was a little low. On Friday, I started cramping and they said it was indigestion, on Saturday, they said I had a yeast infection, on Sunday night, they agreed I was in labor, started magnesium and gave me a steroid shot. 3 hours later, I gave birth to a beautiful 25 week micro preemie. I go back to work tomorrow. She'll be in the hospital until at least January... I wished I had a crystal ball when my son was born... It never arrived... I still need it, if anyone has a spare.