I am more comfortable today in that very scary and highly medical NICU. I'm able to ask to enter without sobbing as I did on day 1. I attended morning rounds today. The NP who was giving the information said "In this room we have a little rock star". My girl is a respiratory rock star. She's spent today on CPAP. I talked to the doctor who saw her today, she told me that this may not last, sometimes these kids just get too tired and go back to needing more help. She desats a couple of times an hour right now. Mostly, she realizes it herself and starts back up, sometimes they have to stimulate her to get her breathing again.
I am able to bring more milk today, my production is almost to 1.5 ml per pump. She's eaten twice, all my milk that I gave. She pooped too. I'm back to a world where eating and pooping are VERY exciting. I'm thrilled I can provide her milk. I'm even more thrilled she can take what I give.
The doctor tells me there will be good days and bad, I know it. I spend my time trying not to imagine which bad days we will get, My husband reminds me often that when the bad days hit, we'll have to worry about them, this is a good day and we should enjoy it. I try not to be choked with fear of the future.
I'm grateful for all the people thinking of us, praying for us and sending all the positive vibes they can. This will be a long road.
I decided to go back to work next Monday. I'm saving up all the time I possibly can for when we can room in and when she comes home. I may have to reassess if the hormones get the better of me, but really, physically, I'm feeling amazing. I may not grow them right or cook them right, but I apparently can recover quickly.
I made a trip to see her every time I pumped, so far I've seen her 7 times. I got to use hand containment twice to help calm her down. We try not to touch her very much, it is very hard on her to have that stimulation, they call this therapeutic neglect. It is very hard. She's very awake for her age.
I imagined a work week schedule that had me coming to the NICU before morning rush hour and staying until 9:30 when rounds ended in the hopes of doing kangaroo care. Then, I'd go to work until about 11:30 and come to the NICU for lunch and do another round. Finally, I'd come after work for a last time, then go home to see the rest of the family. All the while, I imagined pumping at 3,6,9 and 12 (am and pm). The NICU nurse told me I wasn't being realistic, she described how most people handled it. She assures me I'll find the balance that works for me.
I keep hearing T's voice repeating what he learned at Pre-K - You get what you get, don't throw a fit.
Height: 12 3/4 inches (32.385)
Weight: 1lb 8 oz (5216.31)
Pump Total: 11.5 ml (9 pumps)
First breast milk by OG tube, 2 millileters at noon. She pooped!