I have been meaning to post some of those vivid pregnancy dreams I’ve been having. There are three that to this day are so vivid I can still see them clearly. I have no idea what they mean, or how they helped me cope or process what was happening.
The first dream occurred before we knew any details of the defect. This was back when I was just anxious about the pregnancy, without any idea why. I was just waiting for the “other shoe” to drop. I had been given a toy for the baby. It was a red fisher price barn set. When I opened it, cedar shavings fell out and I found that a mouse had setup a nest in the barn. The mouse had mated with the pigs in the set and 1/2 the babies in the nest were regular baby mice, the other half were much larger, pink 1/2 mouse 1/2 pig babies. They had cute little pig snouts and curly pig tails and big mouse ears. I woke up laughing...
The second dream occurred the night after we found out about the baby’s defect. I dreamed we went to see the specialist and they said I couldn’t carry the baby anymore. That instead we had to setup a huge aquarium and they were going to transfer the baby into a fish. They put the fish inside me to get the baby and I looked down at my stomach and saw the dorsal fin of the fish poking out of my body just under the skin. The doctor used the fin to remove the fish and put the fish into the aquarium. The fish started pooping air bubbles with what looked like edemame and the doctor said when the fish poops air bubbles with a kidney bean in each bubble, then everything would be good to go and the fish could take over the pregnancy. I woke up crying...
The third dream occurred several weeks ago, I dreamt we decided to adopt a second child from Korea and when we got there to pick her up, we found out she was a twin. They were letting the other twin die because she had Down syndrome and a heart defect. A caretaker at the orphanage tipped me off and introduced me to the other little girl. I was crying when I handed the baby to TheMan and in the end he agreed to take both girls. The sick girl was already in heart failure and they weren’t giving her any medicine because they were just going to let her die. We shared the heart medicine we had from our son with her. In the end we volunteered for what we fear most. I woke up feeling both hopeful and sad...
All of these dreams were incredibly vivid and full of color and a strange realism. I do wonder why I had them… maybe they’ll make sense someday... but pig-mice... really?
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
We did our Fetal Echo on Friday and after some wrangling, they were able to get good pictures. I have been feeling pretty OK with everything after a couple of weeks to process. So I felt pretty prepared for the situation. After the echo, the doctor came in and explained what we know based on the fetal echo (looking inside a body, to look inside a body to look inside a heart isn’t the clearest picture you’ll get).
So, we definitely have a complete AVSD. The valve is one big valve, but it doesn’t leak, which is apparently also a good thing. Finally, because the Aorta and Pulmonary Artery were both the same size, the overriding aorta may be less of a concern. The same sizes mean we probably don’t have to worry about Pulmonary Stenosis.
The current plan is to give birth at a hospital with a level III NICU. They will send over a cardiologist to evaluate the baby within a couple of days after the birth. I’m planning a natural child birth (Lord help me) so now it’s back to preparing for childbirth and whatever comes after!
I still worry occasionally about the 1/3 chance of Down Syndrome. But all we can do is wait and see.
So, we definitely have a complete AVSD. The valve is one big valve, but it doesn’t leak, which is apparently also a good thing. Finally, because the Aorta and Pulmonary Artery were both the same size, the overriding aorta may be less of a concern. The same sizes mean we probably don’t have to worry about Pulmonary Stenosis.
The current plan is to give birth at a hospital with a level III NICU. They will send over a cardiologist to evaluate the baby within a couple of days after the birth. I’m planning a natural child birth (Lord help me) so now it’s back to preparing for childbirth and whatever comes after!
I still worry occasionally about the 1/3 chance of Down Syndrome. But all we can do is wait and see.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Forward Thinking Worry
Before all this started, I was so worried about what could happen. Everything from cord accidents to SIDS to drunk driving 16 years from now would flash across my mind and I would worry. Now suddenly, all that is gone. Before, I was worrying about all the things that could happen tomorrow, now I’m just glad I have today.
You hear people who’ve had life changing events say that you just live for the day you have and let tomorrow take care of itself. I’ve tried to do that, albeit not very successfully. All of a sudden, I find it much easier. I find the change in perspective interesting, and to be honest I also find it refreshing. All that worrying was exhausting, things are somewhat simpler now. I’m not saying I don’t get intense flashes of worry, but it is worry about what is happening now at least. Something catastrophic (to me) has happened, the world is still turning, and we’re still dealing with it as best we can. All we can do is keep moving forward every single day and take what joy we are given. I hope this is a lesson I get to keep, it seems to be a good one.
This doesn’t mean I don’t plan for the future (for better and worse), nor does it stop me from researching the known issues that we are facing. What it does mean is that I’m a lot less stressed, and a lot more practical on what I choose to worry about.
My husband felt the baby kick for the first time this weekend, that was pretty dang cool.
You hear people who’ve had life changing events say that you just live for the day you have and let tomorrow take care of itself. I’ve tried to do that, albeit not very successfully. All of a sudden, I find it much easier. I find the change in perspective interesting, and to be honest I also find it refreshing. All that worrying was exhausting, things are somewhat simpler now. I’m not saying I don’t get intense flashes of worry, but it is worry about what is happening now at least. Something catastrophic (to me) has happened, the world is still turning, and we’re still dealing with it as best we can. All we can do is keep moving forward every single day and take what joy we are given. I hope this is a lesson I get to keep, it seems to be a good one.
This doesn’t mean I don’t plan for the future (for better and worse), nor does it stop me from researching the known issues that we are facing. What it does mean is that I’m a lot less stressed, and a lot more practical on what I choose to worry about.
My husband felt the baby kick for the first time this weekend, that was pretty dang cool.
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