Thursday, September 13, 2012

Sometimes the fear is breath-taking

I'm often trying to corral unruly thoughts and fears of the future.  We're two weeks from C's next open heart surgery and it is much harder than the first.  I was dazed with exhaustion for the first surgery and that numbing cushion was truly a blessing.  Now a days we get more sleep, so we haven't had that particular coping strategy.  

I'm often blindsided by fears of C's death or disability.  I put away his puzzles and worry that he'll never use them again.  I walk by a toy or object and worry that soon it will hold an echo of his memory, and I won't be able to hold him. I look at him and feel guilt and fear for the future.  I love him so much, sometimes, when that love collides with my fears, it takes my breath away.


  1. I am so sorry you are having these feelings but they are normal.Before Brocs OHS I video taped days of the boys playing together.I took tons of pics and also did a family photo shoot for memory.I did have people telling me it was morbid but it was my way of preparing if these were going to be our last memories.
    Lots of hugs and prays for you all.

  2. {{hugs}} Iz is doing really great and I still have those moments--there are days when the what ifs overpower everything else. Before her surgery, I spent a lot of time just holding her, imprinting every feature I could, listening to her sounds, memorizing her smile. Sometimes all you can do is get through the day one breath at time. All of you will be in my thoughts and prayers.