Fear

Most days I am incredibly afraid of losing my son. Mostly I push it down and ignore it. But some days my fear finds a target and it bursts out where I can no longer contain it. It is usually stupid stuff, today it is because it appears my husband has a cold. We’ve been careful. My husband rarely talks to anyone at work, most of the people we have over see a very small subset of people and are mostly home bodies themselves. We have no idea where the cold came from. Maybe it was the lady at the takeout counter or the guy at the checkout at the convenience store. We can’t avoid everyone all the time.


The only thing I know is that I’m terrified that my tachypneic little boy is going to get a cold and have to work harder to breathe. I don’t have any idea what that will do to him, I think I can safely assume it will require another trip to the hospital. I’m hoping like mad that I’m already producing antibodies and giving them to C in my breast milk. I am hoping that will be enough, that my immune system is somehow smart enough to go into over drive and kill this thing before it can even get up to speed. My husband is wearing a mask when he has to be around the baby and he’s sleeping on the couch to limit exposure. On an up note for him, he’s going to be able to catch up on playing his video game and sleeping. I’m going to have to give up on sleep for the next while it seems.

I’m so scared I can taste it… I'm praying, and I'm turning it over to God, but I'm still so very scared.