I miss her inside me...

I had months of bonding ahead of me.  I loved playing with her as she rolled, kicked and pushed.  I was so grateful to be having a pregnancy where I didn't have to fear delivery, until I did... Now I miss her.  All the time.  I waver between anger and sadness.  I get so tired.  I'm desperate for control and terrified of germs I can't see.  I know the other shoe is going to drop, I don't know how or when, but it is coming.  I don't know how bad it will hurt and that scares me.

I miss my husband and my son.  I'm camped out in the living room, listening to them laugh and love while I sit and pump.  Terrified of the virus they are currently carrying.

I've done Kangaroo Care twice. It is an amazing and terrifying feeling to have something so small entrusted to your care.  When she's laying on my chest and her O2 sats climb until she has to be on room air, I'm over the moon. When she's lying on my chest and she desats and goes bradycardic it is terrifying.  I'm alone, in a room, unable to move and my child is lying on my chest with alarms blaring that her heart is decelerating.  When she comes back, I can breathe again.

My heart healthy kid isn't what I expected. On Wednesday of last week, we had our fetal echo and got confirmation that at 24 weeks and 3 days pregnant, everything was looking good, except... my amniotic fluid was a little low. On Friday, I started cramping and they said it was indigestion, on Saturday, they said I had a yeast infection, on Sunday night, they agreed I was in labor, started magnesium and gave me a steroid shot. 3 hours later, I gave birth to a beautiful 25 week micro preemie. I go back to work tomorrow. She'll be in the hospital until at least January... I wished I had a crystal ball when my son was born... It never arrived... I still need it, if anyone has a spare.

NICU Day 6

I didn't go visit today.  Which was rough in one way, but less anxiety inducing as well.  I've rested a bit, I ended up getting 2 3 hour blocks of sleep last night when I pumped a half hour early at one point and an hour late at another.  I still pumped in the windows research has shown to be most productive, but that solid stretch of sleep was incredibly beneficial.  I've added in a few pumps today to simulate a bit of a growth spurt.

Baby Girl has been doing well at both my check ins so far.  I gave his nurse a bit of a laugh when I explained my severe angst over germs.  I'm more than ready for my hormones to get back under control so this anxiety settles down a bit.  Acknowledging that these overwhelming feelings are actually anxiety related rather than reality related has been helping.  As has the group over on the Facebook Micro Preemie board.  I'm already finding them a fantastic resource.

Baby Girl continues to do amusing and surprising things. Apparently they do oral care several times a day where they put breast milk on a cotton swab and wipe her mouth to moisturize and make her feel better.  When Janice swabbed her mouth this morning she started sucking on the swab, she REALLY likes my milk :)

I'm feeling more stable today.  I am grieving the loss of the pregnancy I wanted and furious that my daughter has to go through this.  But my anxiety has ramped back down a bit, which is good.  I finally found the quadrivalent flu shot and I'll be getting that tomorrow (Walgreens has it).

Height: 12 3/4 inches (32.385)

Weight: 

Pump Total: 477 ml (15.9 oz)

feedings steady at 2ml every 3 hours - no residuals between feeds

CPAP 5 - 24% O2

Acidity has improved

Phototherapy is off

Dr Murthy called with my update

Day Nurse: Janice (pronounced Jan-eece)

Night Nurse: Heather!

NICU Day 5

After much debate and angsting over whether or not I was secretly sick or soon to be sick, I did go ahead and do Kangaroo care today.  Baby Girl and I spent an hour and a half quietly resting together.  I can't even express how much I miss having her inside me.  She was on 26% O2 at the time and she started high satting and had to go back down to room air (which means she liked it).  She snuggled down, ate her 2ml of fresh breast milk (I had pumped right before) and went to sleep.  She was a super happy girl.  While she received her breast milk, she sucked on her OG tube, Rachel said this was called cueing and is another special thing Baby Girl is doing.

Of course, on the way home, I started thinking maybe, I might feel some drainage.  By the time I got home, I'd worked myself into a state, and then when one more thing happened (someone sneezed or something) I totally freaked out and had a panic attack... fun times.  My nose is tingling, so I fear I may in fact have a cold.  I will probably skip visiting the NICU tomorrow.  

I'm holding onto the fact that I wore a mask and that she's taking a fresh batch of breast milk and hoping desperately that she doesn't get sick.

Height: 12 3/4 inches (32.385)

Weight: 1lb 10 oz (737 grams) down 20 grams from yesterday

(she'd actually gained 100 g yesterday and lost 20 today, which is still pretty awesome)

Pump Total: 426 ml (14.2 oz)

feedings steady at 2ml every 3 hours - no residuals between feeds

Kangaroo Care - 1.5 hours

May be off phototherapy tomorrow.  Bilirubin just over 2

CPAP 5, Back down on room air (21% O2)

PICC Line In

Night: Heather

Day: Rachel B